Pink Ravens fly fast...
So on Tuesday morning, I awoke from one of the more vivid dreams I've been having as of late. I remember getting some grant to go to a conference in Anchorage. I could have cared less about the conference and just cared about getting back to the old stomping grounds. That's pretty much what I did too. I remember arriving and it was still winter with snow and ice on the ground. I remember going to some conference room not really giving a rat's a$$ about the conference but just looking for a phone. It was sort of like being in jail and I was looking for that one phone call, seriously. SO I remember pretending to slip out to use the toilet and down a corridor where I found a phone. Hey, fresh off the plane from out of the US means cell phone no worky I guess. I found a phone in some office, but there was no dial tone. I just wanted to dial an old friend and surprise them (and get the hell away from whatever obligation brought me there in the first place and go back to living my life). I dialed anyways but could barely make out the voice on the other end. Screw it, I just up and ran out and headed to where I needed to go. I went up to the person's house, knocked on the door,and the last thing I remember was said person opening the door. Even before I got there I still remembered the details inside the house, the colors of the walls. Well, apparently my long term memory is up and functioning. I woke up basically feeling more along the lines of W T F!? I got breakfast and went out to run and pondered it all for a bit. Where the hell did that come from? Then it all started making too much sense. It was June 4th- the day I left Anchorage, EIGHT YEARS AGO only to show up here 2 days later. Holy hell where did the time go and seriously, what have I really got to show for it? Prison- yeah that has to be about how I've been trying to get back to my old school district just out of Anchorage the better part of 3+ years now but there simply are no jobs. The feeling of just wanting to ditch whatever project that brought me back to Anchorage in the first place- yeah that was about being sick of all the instability and just wanting good ol' stability again on the work front. Oh, and the friend, sometimes we don't realize how important some people are in our lives until we up and leave them very far behind. :-( That was it, those thoughts left me feeling craptastically bummed and pretty effing sad the rest of the week.
Those of you who know me know that when I left in 2005 I NEVER intended to be gone this long. I planned to do the expat thing for 3-5 years to save and buy a house, do some travelling while I still can, and then go back and work my last few years to full retirement. The first few years I had the door wide open to go back too with openings back in the bilingual department too but I just said," Oh, I'll stay out one more year..." and then the doors slammed shut with the economic crisis in 09 and things have pretty much been in purgatory since with no sigh of moving anytime soon. So here it is in a nutshell- I burned my 20s in Fairbanks only to have a couple fun years just out of Anchorage until I was 30. That was the case of perfect job, nice group of friends, but at the wrong time in my life -I wanted to get out and live a little and travel before I got too old to do it. So my 30s got burnt in Moscow. Eight years is a lot of time. Sure, I've had some great experiences and met some cool people, but I can't even long term plan like I used to and that bugs me to no end. All I know is that something has to give and sooner than later. Major decisions need to be taken and I need to think about my future because, no I do not want to work in an unstable environment until I die. Oh and to add insult to injury, had I never left and taken a 3 yr buyout in the Alaska system, this would have been my last year -20 yrs in at age 38 or worse case scenario call it a day without the buyout at age 41. I was 21 when i was hired originally. I knew that and figured even with a time out here in Moscow for a few years, I could still stand a chance to retire in my mid 40s like many of my coworkers did and they travelled and some even went to teach in diplomatic schools overseas.
So, those are my deep dark thoughts of the week which brings us back to running. Running is actually the only constant through all my crazy globe trotting and moving around, that's the one thing that's always been my go to. So on Thursday the 6th we had the 2nd 1000m run at Moscow State in our 1000m series. With all that's been on my mind, donning the pink Skinny Raven singlet was kind of a no brainer. Yeah this pink raven's wings can still fly fast. Actually, I got a very unexpected surprise from the PR Fairy and beat my 1000m track PR from last year. That did help me feel a bit better after all the melancholy of the previous days.
It still won't take away those occasional dreams at night I still have of running up onto the mountains just in time to catch the pink moment before sunset. Mountain running? You bet your sweet ass I miss it be it mountain races from Alaska to Vermont or showshoeing up the side of a mountain in the winter.